Anointed One, Wearer of the Mantle of Power, returned to the Dome of the Capital. Dressed in the holy suit and tie, bearing upon His lapel the shield of the flag and wearing upon His face the look of contrition, He walked in to addressed the nation.
Upon arrival the assembled chapter of the Congress, the Holy Justices of the land, the members of the anointed Cabinet and guests from near and far, the Anointed One, Wearer of the Mantle of Power, spoke:
And the multitudes listened to the speech, but for once the Anointed One did not stir the multitudes. The speech fell flat, uninspiring. The Messiah had lost his voice.
We have not seen eye to eye these last two years. While I have tried to steer this nation towards the European Model which is the best one. The Republicans have tried to thwart Me. They even were able to convince the people to turn on Me. I have received their message. I will enter the center.
We are one nation, one family. We can work out our differences so long as you follow My plan and My way. I know best, you do not.
I will not spend our money foolishly anymore, but will INVEST for the future. The future of energy. The future of education. The future of our economy. See we are not spending. We are investing. Though these investments will cost us trillions.
This not about Me, or who will win the next election (I will.), but about how I am going to get you to ignore the past two years and vote for Me in 2012.
I am poised for greatness, but are heading for failure. This is not My fault. It is the fault of our teachers, our scientist, previous Presidents. But not Me.
India and China outshine us. China is better than us in everything. I cannot compete with them. They are better in math and science. They out produce us. They own our nation. I must bow down to them.
I propose that we are having a Sputnik Moment. While the whole world is speeding ahead of us in technology, education, innovation, we lag behind. I do not spend enough on these areas. Therefore I propose that we throw away more money on these ideas. After all that is the only policy I know.
I propose that we cut discretionary spending, but only a little bit. I want to fool the people, not actually do any cuts except for the Military. There gays can serve openly, I will remove our troops from Iraq and Afghanistan this year, and destroy all of our nukes too.
I must not hold teachers accountable for their actions in the classroom. I put all the blame on the parents. Nothing is the teacher's fault, there are no bad teachers, you must never fire a teacher.
I will give every person a free education. It will not teach the basics, they are not necessary. It will teach all the touchy-feely ideas My friend Bill thinks we should teach.
I will give an almost free college education. Not just to our citizens, but to every
illegalundocumented immigrant too.
In fact, to every young person listening tonight who’s contemplating their career choice: If you want to make a difference in the life of our nation; if you want to make a difference in the life of a child – become a teacher. You can never be fired.
I will not allow you to destroy the Healthcare Law. It is My greatest achievements and will be My legacy to the nation. Now and in the future.
Just as I have done in the White House, I will demand greater transparency for this Congress. It has worked just fine for us. This Congress will have everyone looking down on them. What bills they write. What lobbyists they see. How many earmarks they have. It will be wonderful for the people.
I will double our exports by 2014, as soon as I discover what we export. I will cut government regulation on businesses. And cut the tax rate on business.
I will balance the budget, and cut the defect.
I will restore this economy.
I will bring peace to the world.
I will make the internet faster for all.
I will bring high speed trains to every city.
I am Obama! I can do it all!
You see, I am the center.
For upon listening to this speech it was like being sweet talked by Tiger Woods. Neither would be believed by the listener.