Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Re-Post: Once Upon a Time in the West

Gary Fouse

With the election coming up, I am re-posting an article I wrote in 2010. It is a relevant today as it was then.


There was this Western town out in the middle of nowhere once. It was a tiny, typical old wild west town of about 75 people. It was a friendly town, and everybody got along. There was a church, a school, a blacksmith shop, a town doctor (named "Doc"), a barber shop, a horse stable and a saloon (Mabel's Saloon). It had a bartender, a couple of waitresses and several young ladies who would share a drink with you and a romp in the hay upstairs if one were so inclined. Oh yeah, there was a piano player, but he didn't know about all that.

There was also a sheriff, who commanded a posse of about 20 tough hombres.

He was also the beau of the purty local schoolteacher.

Finally, there was a no-nonsense town mayor, who everybody loved.

The sheriff and his posse took care of all the bad varmints like castle rustlers and all that. With the no-nonsence mayor and a hangin' judge, outlaws knew that if they messed with this town, they were lookin' at a necktie party.

Cattle rustler

Then one day a couple of strangers showed up in town. One wore a mask, and the other was an Indian named Tonto (which means "stupid" in Spanish).

Masked Man


Well, anyway, this masked man was giving away bottles of snake oil, which he told the townsfolk would cure all their ills. The townsfolk were elated and welcomed the strangers to the town. When they asked him why he wore a mask, the stranger told them he was "the Lone Ranger".

Pretty soon, the townfolk were so happy with all the free snake oil that they elected the "Lone Ranger" to be their mayor. The old mayor was sent packin'. The first proclamation the new mayor made was that from then on, whiskey would be free because whiskey was a "human right". The people were elated.

Mabel wasn't too happy, but she was assured by the Lone Ranger that the city government would foot the bill.

Soon, however, changes started to come to the town. One day, soon after the mayor's inaugural, a bunch of city slickers showed up in town-all brought in by the new mayor. They were given new jobs that no one had ever heard of before.

Then the mayor fired the sheriff, ran him out of town, and brought in his own sheriff, who promised a "smarter" war against outlaws.

The new sheriff fired the posse and tore up all the wanted posters.

The mayor also fired the hangin' judge and brought in a new judge.

Soon, a new word was heard in the town, which had never been heard before:


Then the mayor and his city-slicker friends started passing a bunch of new laws. Pretty soon, Mabel had to buy snake oil supplies for all her workers. Some of the workers-especially the fine young ladies- didn't even want to drink the snake oil, but the law was passed and they all had to use snake oil. Only now it wasn't free anymore. In fact, it was now quite expensive. No matter. Everybody now had to drink snake oil when they got sick. As a result, old "Doc" had to close up shop get a job as a bartender at Mabel's saloon. The only medical care available became "Lone Ranger" snake oil.

When asked what he thought about all this, Tonto was heard to reply,

"This is a big f----- deal."

Then more city-slickers arrived from back East. Sixteen thousand of them to be exact. They were revenooers, assigned to make sure that everybody was buying their snake oil. Suddenly, the size of the town was multiplied by 160 (is that accurate?) Parking became a problem. There weren't enough horse rails for everybody to park their horses. The Lone Ranger decided that the solution was to seize the horse stable and take over the horse business.

After a year or so, somebody noticed that the quality of horses in the town had declined.

Government horse.

No matter. The Lone Ranger decreed that henceforth, everyone in the town had to purchase a government horse.

Even Granny Skaggs?

Even Granny Skaggs.

And Tonto stated,

"This is a big f----- deal, Kimo Sabe."

Then another new word was introduced into the town's vocabulary.



"Yes", explained the Lone Ranger. "It will create jobs-green jobs".

"Green jobs!?!?!"

As you might well imagine, things went to Hell in the town. People didn't get along as they used to.

In addition, the school had to close, and that purty schoolteacher had to get a job at Mabel's saloon. And it wasn't a green job.

Well, it didn't take long before the townfolk had had enough. One by one, they began leaving the town. Mabel closed down her saloon and took all her employees -including that purty little schoolteacher- to another town as far away as possible. Soon, everything was gone. No more school, no more saloon, no more barber shop, no more blacksmith, no more horse stable, just the Lone Ranger, Tonto and all those bureaucrats and revenooers.

So one day, the Lone Ranger and Tonto gave up, saddled up and headed off to Wyoming. Down the road a piece, they passed by an old rancher and his grandson who watched them riding off.

"Is that the Lone Ranger?" asked the little boy.

The old man spat out a mouthful of tobacco juice and replied,

"He ain't no f-----' Lone Ranger. Why he's a f------' outlaw."

"Hiyo Silverrrr!"

"We f------ fooled 'em Kimo Sabe".

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