How to properly rig an election.

This simple primer is being written for the Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hoseyni Khāmene’i and other despots. These are 6 very simple rules to follow, and in following them you are assured of continued power in your nation:

1. Invite any person, male or female, to run for the Presidency.

In doing this you signal to the world that your elections are fair and open to all viewpoints. You, the kind despot, know in advanced that these other candidates don't have a snowballs chance in Hell of winning, but to the world and your people, they will see you as a vehicle for change.

2. Hold open debates.

Let the candidates promise the people everything under the sky. You know that once the election is over, and your candidate has won the day, you can crack down hard on these reformers and dissents. That is why you have your penal system for. This is also a good way to discover those citizens of yours that are working behind the scenes to bring down your regime.

3. Make sure your elections truly are fair and honest.

It is not the work of the polls that you have to be concerned with, but with the counting of the ballots afterward. So you need not have any of your goons at the election polls. You already know the outcome of this election.

If you are to use an electronic system, make sure that the machines are rigged in advanced. There is plenty of good software available to insure your preferred outcome when doing this.

If you are to use a paper ballot, then don't do anything. But have plenty of extra ballots with your candidate's name already marked on them and a good shredder standing by.

4. Make sure you control the counting of the ballots.

If using an electronic method, remember to install the software to rig the election before election day. And remember to remove it after the election. That way if anyone was to examine the machines, they would be normal.

If using the paper ballot method, count away, but choose every other vote for the opposition to your candidate for destruction (paper shredder) and replace with ballots for your candidate. Do this slowly and carefully. You might want to burn the shreds while doing this.

5. Don't announce the winner right away.

Even if you are using an electronic system, take your time in announcing the outcome. By giving out the results right away, without a full count of the votes, you play your hand in showing your nation and the world that the election was rigged. By taking hours, or even better days to announce the winner, your nation will believe that the vote was fair and the winner (your preferred candidate) was truly elected.

6. When the winner is announced, don't let it be by a landslide.

Unless it actually happens that way (and the odds are against that), announce that your preferred candidate won by a slim majority. This will legitimize the election in the eyes of the opposition and world, and keep the useful monkey you have chosen loyal to you. If you announce a large landslide, your monkey will begin to plot against you (something you do not want to happen) and the opposition will know that everything is rigged.

Those are the 6 simple rules to insuring that your next election runs smooth and flawless. Once you have finished this exercise in futility, you will be free to return to the actual work your nation has been doing: Creating a nuclear weapon, promoting terrorism in the world, and persecuting those who you don't like. And of course the usual and exciting insitment of hatred towards the Great Satan and Little Satan respectively.