Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Bloomberg Bans Breathing and Death to Battle Global Warming

Once again Mayor Bloomberg or as he is now known as Mayor Big Gulp has lost his battle to ban Big Gulp sodas, but has banned fats, salt, and smoking in the city, now has decided an excellent way to stop Global Warming:  Ban Breathing and Death.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced at City Hall today that the city's Board of Health has instituted a ban on both breathing and death in order to combat the crippling effects of global warming.

The ban will go into effect in May of this year, giving city residents time to figure out their own personal strategies on how to comply with the edict.

At a press conference, Bloomberg explained the reasoning behind the ban. "Everyone knows that the act of breathing - actually, exhaling - puts carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. Likewise, decomposition of the body after death also releases this noxious gas. One person is no big deal, but multiply that by eight and a half million and that's one hefty ecological price tag."

Asked if commuters and other visitors to the city would have to comply with the ban, Bloomberg said that they would be required to refrain from breathing and dying while within city limits, but would be free to resume both activities once back in their own hometowns. "We do hope, however, that other municipalities will take our lead and institute similar bans in this historic effort to save the earth," he added. [Editor's note: As this story went to press, it was rumored that San Francisco and Seattle are considering similar legislation.]

Those citizens who are found in violation of the ban will be fined $250 for the first instance of breathing, and $500 for each subsequent offense. Death will result in a $1,000 fine levied upon the deceased's family and confiscation of the body for an ecologically friendly burial. A "No Bloating" poster campaign, showing a decomposing body encased in a red circle with a slash, is scheduled to run on the city's transportation system in order to promote awareness.

"I'm proud to say," Bloomberg said, "that my war on smoking, trans fats and salt will have a tremendous impact on people's ability to live forever. This means, though, that no more babies can be born, because overcrowding will soon become unbearable." He added that free sterilization is being offered at clinics across the city. Any babies born after the ban is in place will be taken and sent to China, where they will be raised and trained to work in factories that produce "I Love New York" t-shirts, mugs, hats, and miniature versions of the Statue of Liberty.

Bloomberg did acknowledge that his large sugary drink ban - affectionately known as the Big Gulp ban - being struck down would have a negative impact on immortality. "I kept telling people that large amounts of sugar are poisonous, but did they listen? Now we have to worry that people might actually die from ingesting large sodas at the movie theater, thus polluting our environment further."

"Remember," he said. "We're not banning anything. It's called portion control - in this case, one's portion of the environment. It's a typical way that companies use to and governments use to explain to people what's in their interest and what isn't."

CNN television host Piers Morgan agreed heartily with the mayor. "I think people need the nanny state occasionally. Particularly on issues like smoking, drinking, guzzling sodas that are too big for them, you know, breathing, dying, whatever it may be, the reality is we all need a bit of nannying," Morgan said.

When asked if there would be any waivers issued, Bloomberg said that government employees, politicians, union members and their families would automatically be exempt from the ban. No other exceptions are available.

Under Creative Commons License: Attribution
If this wasn't satire I wouldn't put it past Mayor Big Gulp.  Bloomberg is now running for a 4th term as Mayor and as the city looks he will probably win.  I wonder what has happened to my home town and the sensible people who once lived there.

1 comment:

Bigfoot said...

My mother used to have an expression for when she felt slighted, "Excuse me if I breathe", that might be appropriate when dealing with Bloomberg.