This will tell you the real story of Barack Hussein Obama. Enjoy!
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David Brooks of the New York Times
has written an alternative biography
of Mitt Romney that makes for witty reading (“He was sent to a private
school, where he was saddened to find there are people in America who
summer where they winter.”) But in the course of doing some internet
research about this Romney fella, I found out he’s running against
someone called Barack Obama. Obama’s biography makes for fascinating
reading, too.
Barack Obama was born in 1961, the location marked by the appearance
of a new star in the East. His mother lived on food stamps and his
grandmother owned Hawaii. Between them, their son averaged out as
middle-class.
From an early age, the young Obama displayed the abilities to
listen to others, understand their problems and write a book about how
they made
him feel. At age 3, he had written his first memoir
(Dreams from My High Chair) and by twelve had produced his own version
of the English dictionary with the notable feature that every entry
contained a reference to himself (“Godlike,
adjective. ‘To be
somewhat like Barack Obama’”). He excelled at every subject and could
easily have become an astrophysicist or a baseball player. The schools
never bothered to keep records of his grades because they embarrassed
all the other kids. Obama spent most of his teenage years volunteering
in the local hospital, where he helped the blind to see again. Although
his academic life was challenging and friends were few, he found comfort
in his middle American family that were just like you and me. Every
Sunday they would gather at the local tiki bar for a simple meal of
boiled Chihuahua.
Obama’s college years were challenging. A blow to the head from a
jealous professor left him convinced that he was a member of the beat
generation, which is why there are so many accounts of young women
trying to, “You know, like,
reach him?” It was while
experimenting with cannabis that he made his first break with the grim
Clinton orthodoxy of centrist liberalism: he inhaled. His horizons
broadened, this born-again guru decided that it was time to walk away
from the self-serving vanities of the legal profession and go into
politics. He put on a blindfold, stuck a pin a map and found that God ("
noun. 'synonym for Obama'") wanted him to start in Chicago.
Politically, Chicago is a nasty town and it’s hard to win outside of
machine politics. So Obama didn’t bother to try. Promoted by his friends
Jimmy “the fist” Vincente and Sam “you’ll vote the way Jimmy tells you
to” Giovanni, he rose quickly in the ranks to become a state senator,
where his courageous stand on abortion makes him one of the few
prochoice Democrats prepared to say on record that “choice” doesn’t have
to end after birth. His mix of principle, hard-headedness and a foxy
wife got him noticed nationally by teenage liberals fresh out of Star
Trek. Obama’s ability to make even the most complicated issues sound all
about him impressed voters first at the 2004 Democratic National
Convention (“As I stand here today, I can’t help but think about
myself”) and then during the 2008 presidential primaries (“Imagine how
great it would be if I won this election”). His inauguration was
declared a new beginning and a national holiday – in Venezuela.
Within days of entering office, Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace
Prize. Since then, there have been military operations in Afghanistan
and Libya, and drone strikes in at least 600 different countries. He has
governed like a latter-day FDR, uniting the country behind a bold
programme of government spending that has created at least 12 new jobs
in the private sector – all of them in the Mississippi division of
Chick-fil-A. Public sector spending has increased to roughly the size of
the GNP of South Korea, most of which went to financing 32 years of
sick leave for Mrs Ann Baumgard – an elementary school teacher
in Bethesda, Maryland. Obama has nationalised healthcare, bottled water
and anything that begins with the letter “T”. He is currently finishing
his first term of a predicted five.
According to the New York Times, the only stiff opposition that Obama
has faced has been from the National Braindead League, based in the
small town of Backwater, Alabama. The NBL is almost certainly racist and
would replace all tax with a form of barter based on chicken bones.
They have helped nominate a man who is shorter, less cool and almost
certainly less interested in himself than Barack Obama. Mitt Romney and
the Braindead League don’t stand a chance.
